By Reena Jacobs
Self Published
Publication Date: July 29, 2011
Genre: New Adult/YA-Mature Contemporary
Source: AuthorMy best friend was more than just a best friend to me. Three words summed it up: I heart him. I’d never tell him though. I wasn’t stupid. Besides, what he’d told no one, but me, was a little something I wished I could forget… or ignore. He was gay. I guess gay wouldn’t be bad if I wasn’t so in love with him. Now it was just cruel.
Stereotypes run amok in this college love story: Parties, alcohol, hookups, and breakups. Alexandria Carmichael may find it a bit much as she deals with the unreturned love from the boy who completes her. When all is revealed, not only does she risk losing her best friend forever, but also herself. Without her childhood companion for support, Alexandria takes a journey of self-discovery but fears what she’ll find at the end.
Goodreads Summary
Alex and Seth have been best friends since childhood, when she rescued him from bullies. Now they’re older and in college and Alex’s feelings for Seth have changed. She’s gone from loving him to being in love and would even settle for being a part of his active rotation of dates, but they’re all a front and she knows it. He’s gay and there’s no way he’ll love her the way she wants, as much as she wishes for it.
Seth is one of those pretty golden boys who girls flock to and other guys can have whole conversations with just by way of fist bumps and jock talk over beer. Alex has been floating in his orbit, content to be the one he tells his secrets to, even if it means she’s also relegated to the role of his tagalong, designated driver and wallflower. Seth has developed a crush on a football player and it’s dangerous – coming out would be the end of the world for him, so he grabs yet another vapid cheerleader to date, leading Alex to start pushing the bounds of their friendship.
I Loved You First is a pretty timeless story at its heart: girl loves boy, boy doesn’t return her feelings, girl sets out to find herself. Jacobs does a fine job adding in contemporary themes, although I’m worried about the exclusion of some things (more on that later).
It’s never shown why Alex is so dependent on Seth, how it happened, if he encouraged it or what. She’s generally deferential to him, and I had mixed feelings about whether I should hold it against him or not. Seth’s crush for the football player is revealed at a fraternity party and after he’s beaten up, his relationship with Alex changes drastically. He really starts treating her awfully, hot and cold, but by then, I pitied him (this is also the “more on that later”).
Alex was frustrating, irritating, confusing and I wanted to give her a hug most of the time, at least when I didn’t want to elbow her in the side. Her narrative voice repeated things that bothered me sometimes and I’m not sure if it was meant to tell me that it was something she obsessed about or what. She thought frequently about heights (hers and other people’s) and the size and food consumption of the football player that she revenge-dated. I liked that she was self-aware of how much she was living in Seth’s shadow even as she kept stepping back in it and that she’d force herself to move out again even if it was doing something not particularly bright. Even when Seth didn’t want her as his friend, she stood by him, even when it could have hurt her own reputation and lost her new friends which she was brave enough to go make on her own. On the other hand, I think she let him down big time with what she didn’t do for him. Which leads me to the “more on that later.”
For the obvious reasons when a professional hears someone stating that they’re going to commit suicide, they’re bound to do something. Alex is no professional, Seth obviously didn’t want anything done and I don’t want to spoil things – that’s not what I’m trying to do. But I didn’t like the message that what could have been a very serious suicide attempt was averted and Seth’s best friend did nothing. Risking my very best friendship, I would have done something. Forced him to call a professional, stood over him while he called a hotline, hauled his ass down to the campus health center in the morning to get him to talk to someone, called his parents if it came down to it. I’d love my friend enough to risk losing it all to save him. That, combined with Seth’s ultimate decision at the end just felt a little safe to me. The story was good and the characters were strong enough to take the hard road and maybe a rougher ending, I thought.
Who knew, me not demanding a hearts and flowers ending!?
My Summary: None of the characters in the story were painted in black and white, not even the homophobic football players who were meant to be pitied. In the end, I was sad for many of the characters: the bigoted bullies, Seth for having had to live in shame and fear when it wasn’t necessary and Alex for having lost too much of herself in him for too long. There was also happiness – Alex had a wonderful new friend and saw that there was an Alex beyond Seth. It seemed a little melancholic though because of the way it got there. I couldn’t stop reading once I started, having to follow all of these flawed, compelling people on their journey.
My Rating: B+
This sounds like an interesting read with flawed characters. Glad you enjoyed it.
It was something new for me. I tend to go for those romantic contemps or the very, very serious fantasy. Realistic fiction doesn’t come my way too often and this was very intriguing. I hope Reena writes more of it.
I have never heard of this book before but i actually really want to read it. I can relate to this story in ways so i think i will love it, thanks for sharing xx
I’m glad you found it then, Becca.
I’m really glad I found it too, plus, Reena happens to be awfully awesome.
Well, crap. This book sounds super sad. I’m glad that Alex found her way out, but I’m not sure I would have liked or respected Seth. Or respected Alex for what she didn’t do when Seth needed it. I’m with you, I would have risked losing it all for sure.
Does she start a romance with this “new friend” or is the book mostly just about Alex pulling herself away from Seth’s shadow?
It’s not really sad, just realistic, I guess. I don’t know that I liked Seth much either for how he treated Alex when the poo hit the fan but you know, I don’t think I would have liked him before. I just think Alex had rose-colored glasses on when it came to him.
I’ll never tell about the rest, whether Alex finds love eventually. Other than that the “new friend” is a girl.
Looks at you asking for spoilers, Cait!
I’m not sure how I missed this review, but thank you, Barbara.
I’m not sure why my characters insist on showcasing their imperfections. They have a tendency to make the wrong choices even when they know the right answers. Sometimes it’s tough walking the straight and narrow. Sometimes they just want to do what they want to do while hoping the consequences don’t catch up with them. They definitely are more than a little rough around the edges.
Though I love the stories my characters have to tell, I’m not sure I’d spend time with them outside of a book.
Thank you again, Barbara. Wonderful review with great highlights.
Cait is such a spoiler ‘ho. I’d try to break her of the habit but I like them too and I sort of indulge her by giving them to her.
I loved those imperfections – it was more interesting in realistic fiction to read about well, realistic characters who weren’t all good or bad, who made good choices and rotten ones. They didn’t even end up perfectly which is pretty much the way the world works.
Thank you so much for inviting me to be a part of ILYF’s tour!