When they’re strictly works of fiction, they’re the bad boys we love, but in real life? It may be safe to admire them from afar, but a restraining order is more likely to come between us than expensive lingerie. These are the heroes that made us swoon in 2012 that we’d never, ever ever get involved with if they were real guys.
1. Gideon Cross from Bared to You by Sylvia Day
Sure, he’s hotter than lava, richer than Croesus and as protective as triple-teflon. He’s also insecure, jealous, freakishly possessive, a stalker, can be terrifying and has more issues than my dad’s National Geographic collection. It’s almost – almost worth the potential pharmacy bill to admit I’d want to chase after him anyway, but I have to admit, this guy would scare my fantasy LaPerla’s off of me (and not in a good way).
2. Connor O’Neill from Checkmate by R.L. Mathewson
He’s hot, he’s handy with his hands and there were times he was so stupid I found it adorable – that has to be a sign that there’s something wrong with me. The pranks he pulls on his heroine might have been kind of fun to read but they would either have me in prison for homicide (assuming a judge didn’t give me a medal and call it justified) or in a constant care facility on a Thorazine drip eating applesauce the rest of my life. No happily ever after would be worth living with this tool.
3. Evan Smith (aka Dr. Charm) from Even Villains Fall in Love by Liana Brooks
There’s nothing like a really bad guy gone good, except when he’s lying to you and is still a stinkpot, even a partial one. He’s handsome, a family guy and like my hero Brain, wants to take over the world (narf!). He’s even got Minions. So, yeah, it’s the evil, taking over the world thing that makes him a tad unsuitable. I don’t have time for megalomaniacs or guys who hang out in their basements for any reason other than laundry.
4. Edward Rochart from Ironskin by Tina Connolly
From the beginning, this guy had “no thanks” written all over him, but he grew 0n me. From an uninvolved father and rude employer to a guy who seemed to be trying to improve on both fronts, it seemed like Edward was someone who was actually…likeable? Attractive? Of course not. It would be helpful if in real life, there were body parts that grew when they lied so you could tell. Of course, this poor guy would have some serious explaining to do when he started sprouting extra arms and legs. God complex? Check. Liar? Check. Should probably have had a hamster instead of a kid? Check.
5. Lucas Rain from Keeping Secret by Sierra Dean
He’s mega-rich, when you kiss him you get a mouthful of constant cinnamon taste without having to take the Cinnamon Challenge, he’s sexy and he’s a King. Of werewolves, but still, a King. Putting aside the fact that I don’t necessarily like the character, even I can admit, the guy’s a prime catch. But there’s no way I’d want him even if he didn’t shed on my couch. He’s arrogant, autocratic and seems a little oily, like the kind of guy who likes to have lunch at strip clubs and knows all of the ladies there by name (of course he probably owns the place, but that’s beside the point). I have a feeling I’d be home in my apron stuffing my face full of very expensive chocolate while he was out having fun with his hookers and only one of those things is right.
6. Lothaire from Lothaire by Kresley Cole
I’m a pretty warped kind of woman sometimes, but even I have trouble thinking of a single reason to be in the same state as a real version of Lothaire other than for his pure hotness level. He is as messed up as it comes. When you’re known as The Enemy of Old, when every creature in the Lore hates you except the only other one as old as you (and she’s also as batshit crazy as you), then even in fiction, you’re pretty much fighting a losing battle from the beginning. While his insanity gave him a certain fictional charm, this is a guy that belongs locked up, somewhere, anywhere. Hannibal Lector wouldn’t have stood a chance in a cage match with Lothaire.
7. Marcus Anderson from Lumberjack in Love by Penny Watson
I know there are many, many women who would love to be with a real-life Marcus. He’s sexy, smart, funny and sweet has a nice house and when you go for it, a beard. There’s a giant deal-breaker for me though: he lives in the woods. No way would I ever date anyone who lived in the woods. I don’t like dirt, bugs, animals that live outdoors, things that poop on the ground and not having access to necessities like extended cable television, air conditioning and forced-air heating, packaged foods and electricity. I don’t do rustic unless Eric Bana is there and even then, I require a full bath with running water and a nice comfy mattress.
8. Vlad Tepesh from Once Burned by Jeaniene Frost
Sure, there’s a certain bathroom-humor value in getting involved with a guy whose nickname is “The Impaler.” He’s also gorgeous, has a killer wardrobe, lots of great property with historical value and undoubtedly some awesome hair-care products. But trust issues? A mile deep. He doesn’t just have persecution issues, he’s been persecuted. He’s had centuries to decide he’s never going to love anyone again and if I can’t change a guy’s mind about whether or not to hold my purse at the mall, I doubt I can change a guy’s mindset about something that big. No therapist has this kind of time or expertise.
9. Cage York from While it Lasts by Abbi Glines
Cage is an iffy addition to this list because his swoony fictional potential is questionable sometimes to begin with. He’s sweet and a good friend but also a man ‘ho who makes a habit of drinking and driving, two guaranteed turn-offs. He’s ridiculously hot but also kind of crude and icky. In the end, my gag reflex wins and there’s no way I’d touch this dude. I can’t get past the drinking and driving and sleeping around – hey, not everyone is irredeemable and maybe in ten years Cage would be cougar-bait material, but as is, my daddy would probably shoot me to keep me away from this one.
10. Prince Maxon from The Selection by Kiera Cass
When you’re a guy and Mommy and Daddy decide you need a game show to tell you who you’re going to marry, something’s gone wrong in your life, no matter how cute and rich you are and whether or not you’re royalty. When you’ve picked the one you like and you still hang out (and more) with the other girls on the show, you’re just a player. Is the fact that Maxon’s a pig enough to keep him out of the “would I ever” running? He’s all tease, then playing with someone else for the camera. It’s The Hungry Bachelor Flava of Love Games and there’s no way I would want any part of that freak show.
Overthink it with us! Which book guys (or ladies) stand out as swoon-worthy but if they knocked on your door, would make you grab the mace?