When they’re strictly works of fiction, they’re the bad boys we love, but in real life? It may be safe to admire them from afar, but a restraining order is more likely to come between us than expensive lingerie. These are the heroes that made us swoon in 2012 that we’d never, ever ever get involved with if they were real guys.
1. Gideon Cross from Bared to You by Sylvia Day
Sure, he’s hotter than lava, richer than Croesus and as protective as triple-teflon. He’s also insecure, jealous, freakishly possessive, a stalker, can be terrifying and has more issues than my dad’s National Geographic collection. It’s almost – almost worth the potential pharmacy bill to admit I’d want to chase after him anyway, but I have to admit, this guy would scare my fantasy LaPerla’s off of me (and not in a good way).
2. Connor O’Neill from Checkmate by R.L. Mathewson
He’s hot, he’s handy with his hands and there were times he was so stupid I found it adorable – that has to be a sign that there’s something wrong with me. The pranks he pulls on his heroine might have been kind of fun to read but they would either have me in prison for homicide (assuming a judge didn’t give me a medal and call it justified) or in a constant care facility on a Thorazine drip eating applesauce the rest of my life. No happily ever after would be worth living with this tool.
3. Evan Smith (aka Dr. Charm) from Even Villains Fall in Love by Liana Brooks
There’s nothing like a really bad guy gone good, except when he’s lying to you and is still a stinkpot, even a partial one. He’s handsome, a family guy and like my hero Brain, wants to take over the world (narf!). He’s even got Minions. So, yeah, it’s the evil, taking over the world thing that makes him a tad unsuitable. I don’t have time for megalomaniacs or guys who hang out in their basements for any reason other than laundry.
4. Edward Rochart from Ironskin by Tina Connolly
From the beginning, this guy had “no thanks” written all over him, but he grew 0n me. From an uninvolved father and rude employer to a guy who seemed to be trying to improve on both fronts, it seemed like Edward was someone who was actually…likeable? Attractive? Of course not. It would be helpful if in real life, there were body parts that grew when they lied so you could tell. Of course, this poor guy would have some serious explaining to do when he started sprouting extra arms and legs. God complex? Check. Liar? Check. Should probably have had a hamster instead of a kid? Check.
5. Lucas Rain from Keeping Secret by Sierra Dean
He’s mega-rich, when you kiss him you get a mouthful of constant cinnamon taste without having to take the Cinnamon Challenge, he’s sexy and he’s a King. Of werewolves, but still, a King. Putting aside the fact that I don’t necessarily like the character, even I can admit, the guy’s a prime catch. But there’s no way I’d want him even if he didn’t shed on my couch. He’s arrogant, autocratic and seems a little oily, like the kind of guy who likes to have lunch at strip clubs and knows all of the ladies there by name (of course he probably owns the place, but that’s beside the point). I have a feeling I’d be home in my apron stuffing my face full of very expensive chocolate while he was out having fun with his hookers and only one of those things is right.
6. Lothaire from Lothaire by Kresley Cole
I’m a pretty warped kind of woman sometimes, but even I have trouble thinking of a single reason to be in the same state as a real version of Lothaire other than for his pure hotness level. He is as messed up as it comes. When you’re known as The Enemy of Old, when every creature in the Lore hates you except the only other one as old as you (and she’s also as batshit crazy as you), then even in fiction, you’re pretty much fighting a losing battle from the beginning. While his insanity gave him a certain fictional charm, this is a guy that belongs locked up, somewhere, anywhere. Hannibal Lector wouldn’t have stood a chance in a cage match with Lothaire.
7. Marcus Anderson from Lumberjack in Love by Penny Watson
I know there are many, many women who would love to be with a real-life Marcus. He’s sexy, smart, funny and sweet has a nice house and when you go for it, a beard. There’s a giant deal-breaker for me though: he lives in the woods. No way would I ever date anyone who lived in the woods. I don’t like dirt, bugs, animals that live outdoors, things that poop on the ground and not having access to necessities like extended cable television, air conditioning and forced-air heating, packaged foods and electricity. I don’t do rustic unless Eric Bana is there and even then, I require a full bath with running water and a nice comfy mattress.
8. Vlad Tepesh from Once Burned by Jeaniene Frost
Sure, there’s a certain bathroom-humor value in getting involved with a guy whose nickname is “The Impaler.” He’s also gorgeous, has a killer wardrobe, lots of great property with historical value and undoubtedly some awesome hair-care products. But trust issues? A mile deep. He doesn’t just have persecution issues, he’s been persecuted. He’s had centuries to decide he’s never going to love anyone again and if I can’t change a guy’s mind about whether or not to hold my purse at the mall, I doubt I can change a guy’s mindset about something that big. No therapist has this kind of time or expertise.
9. Cage York from While it Lasts by Abbi Glines
Cage is an iffy addition to this list because his swoony fictional potential is questionable sometimes to begin with. He’s sweet and a good friend but also a man ‘ho who makes a habit of drinking and driving, two guaranteed turn-offs. He’s ridiculously hot but also kind of crude and icky. In the end, my gag reflex wins and there’s no way I’d touch this dude. I can’t get past the drinking and driving and sleeping around – hey, not everyone is irredeemable and maybe in ten years Cage would be cougar-bait material, but as is, my daddy would probably shoot me to keep me away from this one.
10. Prince Maxon from The Selection by Kiera Cass
When you’re a guy and Mommy and Daddy decide you need a game show to tell you who you’re going to marry, something’s gone wrong in your life, no matter how cute and rich you are and whether or not you’re royalty. When you’ve picked the one you like and you still hang out (and more) with the other girls on the show, you’re just a player. Is the fact that Maxon’s a pig enough to keep him out of the “would I ever” running? He’s all tease, then playing with someone else for the camera. It’s The Hungry Bachelor Flava of Love Games and there’s no way I would want any part of that freak show.
Overthink it with us! Which book guys (or ladies) stand out as swoon-worthy but if they knocked on your door, would make you grab the mace? 
Great List!hotter than lava, richer than Croesus and as protective as triple-teflon??LOL!That’s a spot on description for Gideon!I would definitely grab the mace!
But Prince Maxon?I dunno I kinda pity the poor guy because he’s practically being forced to do this.
Gideon would normally be the swooniest guy ever, rivaling only Roarke from J.D. Robb’s In Death series (oh, those hot billionaires with dark hair), but he’s just too crazy to put up with the hotness.
I might have been able to forgive Maxon’s parents’ arranging the marriage, but he was completely flirting with (and more maybe) all of the other girls even after he seemed to pick America! I don’t know if I interpreted it wrong or not but that seemed like a creepy move – he didn’t have to act like he was enjoying it, since he never explained it to her. lol
Ha, a thousand times yes to this list! That is so true.
I’m sure some people are going to hate me (and he’s not 2012) but I have to add Edward Cullen to that list… emotional blackmail, controlling behavior and quite a bit of stalking, especially at the beginning?
“More issues than my dad’s National Geographic collection” – that made me laugh out loud.
I wouldn’t argue with Edward! The whole watching Bella while she was asleep sealed the deal for me, but that’s just me prizing my privacy thing and I may be weird.
After the last book, I’d add Jacob – I know the imprinting thing wasn’t his fault but it skeeved me the heck out and marked him as a never, ever, ever.
Ah Vlad {{hugs}}} ok I’ve added some of these books to my wishlist..so I can check out these swoon worthy men.
He’s so, so hot!! But all that sticking spikes through people is kind of nasty.
You have to read Sylvia Day’s series – I’m holding off on the second book until the 3rd is out though. I’m really crying over these series’ right now.
I LOVE this list! Yes, some of these guys may be interesting to read about but would you really want them IRL? Nope. Their just the jerk boyfriends/husbands we’re already complaining about on steroids.
The best thing about this post though….The Pinky and the Brain shout out! lol
I do like Marcus though – without the beard. But I’m a nature girl so that sounds perfect to me
Hi Karen! YES! Animaniacs FTW lol I loved Pinky and the Brain.
I wondered how many people would get the “narf” reference. haha
Marcus sure was an iffy entry, but I just can’t do any guy that lives in the woods. My brother lives right on a lake and they get mice once in a while and I don’t even know if I could live there.
Hahaha…love the list!
Thank you!
It was so fun to go through my “read” list and pick through my evil guys. lol
Awesome list, and I agree I would run from Gideon, only after I had my way w/him bahhhaaa
Oh Lisa, I know! I hate to say it, but he’s “hit it and run away” material. I’d be afraid I couldn’t leave after one night though. He seems like he’d be an addictive guy. *shiver*
Crap, I don’t know any of these guys! But there are a few I do want to “meet.”
Restraining orders… lol.
There are a couple that are so, so dirty in a very good way until you do what I always do, which is overthink things and be weird.
If the series wasn’t so looooong already, I’d really suggest you start Kresley Cole’s Immortals After Dark so you could read Lothaire, but he’s one of the few entries in the series that you have to read the other books to really get him. Dang, that was a delicious book.
OMG! I love this list! Only you can think of something as awesome as this, Barbara!
I’m afraid I can’t say much because I’ve only met two guys on your list and one of them is Cage. I hated him with a passion, so totally agree with you there.
And Prince Maxon? He was too girly for my liking and I wanted to punch him whenever he appeared in any scene.
I’ve heard people swooning over Gideon Cross, so it’s refreshing to see a different opinion. Possessive stalker = BIG FAT NO from me!
As for the others, I don’t know, but I have a strong feeling I would be of the same opinion as you because you and I are book twins! Plus, your reasons are enough to chase me away!
Awesome-sauce list, Barbara! (BTW do you have a nickname? Typing Barbara takes forever! *Just Saying* )
HA! I have an aunt that persists in calling me Barbie – I want to smack her with a large stick every time I see her. I don’t and have never looked like a “Barbie.” I have/had dark brown hair and green eyes and I’m a grouchy person.
My brothers call me Barb but we have all sorts of issues with names because my dad and older brother have the same name so one of them is the longer version and one is the shorter version. The other one has a weird spelling so we shortened it. My brother’s wife hates her name so she’ll only answer to one version of it. We’re so strange about names. I suppose I answer to nearly everything but Barbie. lol Barb is good, ya goof.
Cage was okay but man-ho-ish in Because of Low but icky, icky in his own book. I couldn’t get past his issues, no matter how hot he was. I haven’t read Preston’s book yet, I don’t think I’ll have the same problem because even though he was a player, he wasn’t in the books very much. Gideon is so drool-worthy and sooo freaky. At least in the books, he’s in therapy. The dude needs it!
You had me giggling with your list (fantasy LaPerlas??)! The only characters I know on there are Vlad and Cage (I have left While it Lasts half finished
, I’m going to have to check out all the others you mention. It’s nice to read about these bad boys in our books but IRL I’d be grabbing the mace 
I love the list. Since I have read The Selection and Ironskin off your list. I have to say the Edward was creepy and I couldn’t really figure him out. And Maxon, well, I’m still not sure what to make of him. He did grow on me though.
Jenea @ Books Live Forever